Dear Anxiety….repost from Olivialucieblake

I don’t need to introduce myself because you already know who I am. We have been together for a while now. I don’t know the number of years, months or days but we have got to know each other well over the years.

You know what makes me cry, you know what makes me worried and you know what makes me scared. Because you are the one who makes me feel that way. I sometimes wish I never met you, but then often times I’m glad I did. I’ve enjoyed all the times where you have told me I couldn’t do something, and then you then had to watch me do it anyway. There is something very powerful in knowing you had to sit and watch me accomplish something when you told me I’d never could.

I want you to know that you don’t control me. You are not the owner of me and who I am. I want you to know that you shouldn’t get too comfortable. You have outstayed your welcome. All those times you seemed to have won, I showed you time and time again I was the one in control. You knocked me down but I got back up every time. You don’t control me anymore.

I see you sometimes, unexpectedly. Sometimes when I feel as though I’m having a good day. You show up to remind me you’re still there, but you don’t scare me anymore. Not like when I was a kid. I didn’t know what you were, but now I see you for who you are. You are nothing more than a thought in my mind. I can’t smell you, I can’t taste you and I can’t touch you. You are not real. You do not scare me.

One thing I have learnt from our terrible relationship is that I know where we stand with one another.

Anxiety, I am more than what you make me feel.

Memories and what was actually happening….

As my facebook reminds me of memories everyday….it just shows I lived for you and our son but you chose to do what you did…..As I look at the picture below and the date and the content and and and it just breaks me and hurts me so much this was the time you started seeing the other woman as you said started round about the end of 2017 and i had no clue about it….not at all…… it’s just so sore…… and it was august 2017 when thos woman and her husband was at our place and still I left that day something happened even tho you said nothing did…..

To My Wonderful Husband Denver Kyle Abrahams and Father to our son Daniel Frank Abrahams

I want to wish you the best birthday yet. I want you to know that I love you with all my heart and that marrying you has been one of the best decisions in my life. You are everything I was looking for in a man and much more. We’ve been through alot together, good things and bad things, and in every moment you’ve been there. I know I don’t always say it but thank you for everything you do and everything you bring into my life.

Thank you for your dedication to our family and for the way you take care of us every day, without complaining. Thank you for your patience towards me and our little one Daniel. Thank you for listening to me when I’m mad, stressed, happy or sad. I love that about you. Thank you for taking the time to teach our child Daniel about right and wrong. And for encouraging me to be the best I can be. You make me a better person, a stronger person, and you’ve taught me how to stand up for myself. Our child Daniel love you so much and I do too.

I’m sorry if I’ve ever made you feel unimportant, and I apologize for making you mad at certain times. I know I’m not the perfect wife but I try hard every day to be better than before. You are very important to me and I can’t imagine life without you. Every day is a special day for me when you are by my side.

I hope we get to share many, many more birthdays together, and I pray to God to always keep you in good health and away from harm. And I’d like to encourage you to find time to do the things you like to do, I know you’ve sacrifice a lot of time for us and I thank you for that as well. You are a wonderful husband and daddy.

You are the best husband and the best father for our family. And I know you are not perfect, no one is, but you are perfect for me. I LOVE YOU and I’m excited about our future together.

Happy Birthday and God Bless You.

With all my heart,

Your wife and Son Daniel

Just a chance to make you HAPPY… and it can into a LIFETIME chance…

I have always wondered what it would be like to hold his heart in my hand. To have those guarded eyes look at me with tender love. To have him hold me gently, as though I am his precious treasure. To stir his unemotional heart into feeling something more for me.

He not easy to love, but there is just something about the way he looks at me that makes all the jumbled words and incoherent thoughts make sense. Something about the way he talks to me that had me transfixed and bound to him. Something about him that made my entire existence yield to him, as though I couldn’t stand on my own and he was my only strong pillar in this erratic, ever-changing world. Something dark and irresistible about him that makes me want to go unfathomable extents for him, to reach the stars just for the chance to make him happy.

I want so much for him to feel a shred of something for me. I wanted more than anything to be the reason he smiled. I just want him to like me back.

And I tried. I tried to see the good side of him. I tried to give him everything I had, until I make him my life.

I tried to like him at the expense of me. But it didn’t matter what I did. He was never close enough.

I interlaced our fingers together, feeling the warmth and tightness around them. I threw my other arm around his neck, clinging onto him, and brushed my lips against his as he was all cuddled up asleep in my arms.

But still, he would never be closr.

This would happen if I looked into his unreadable eyes and i would feel the stiffness of his back, and suddenly I will be filled with the need for him to feel something. I would pull his head down to mine and leaned forward i would kissing him and I would feel his warmth and all-consuming presence. I wpuld feel myself slipping away and this would be confusing and hurt. He would continue to stay immobile and unaffected.

He continued to stay out of reach and he did not kiss me back.

It feels like if I should take two steps towards him, he would take ten steps back. Whenever I thought we had a connection and I was closer to seeing the person behind his composed façade, he would become a stranger the next day and I was no closer to his heart. Whenever I thought he was starting to fall for me and there was a possibility of us, he would become withdrawn amd dashed my hopes.

When you fall for someone who doesn’t feel the same way, your self-esteem is crushed. You can only wonder, why? You are heartbroken and it is a wound that never completely heals.

However, you also learn to move on from that. The heartbreak, although painful, is necessary for you to accept what happened and give up trying to convince someone to love you the way you deserve.

Only by moving on from this unrequited love, you can eventually meet the one who feels the same way towards you. 

It’s still so sore

As I lay here not being able to sleep alot going through my mind. About what I have been through all the hurt and pain and what you have put me through….

Still today I have so much unanswered questions like why did you do what you did to me…why didnt you just pack your things and leave why did you still stay and carry on with what you were doing???? So many WHY’S WHY’S WHY’S AND WHY’S with tears in my eyes…. it all just hurts so much…. you had no right to do what you did to me….

CHEATING IS A CHOICE….

And I just think back in that time you were with her you were with me at the same time coming from here to me it viser verse and telling her the same things you were telling me and even worse doing the same things you were doing with her in the same time why because you were still married to me and had her at the same time….. all of this hurts just so much….

Because of my insecurities my guard is fully up and its seems like the next person that wants to come into my life must suffer which shouldn’t be the case

I just hate having this kinda nights where all seems so dark and painful….and so much thinking and tears just rolling….

Do you know the sad part is you are around but not round like we want you to be….what hurts the most is when our son asks me why daddy sleep with us mommy or why can’t daddy be with us mommy and all I have to tell him to assure him is that it’s better this way but just remember mommy and daddy love you so much and we will do anything and everything for you to keep you happy my boy….

Why me, why to me and my son…. we miss you we really do there are times we do things and we will both have a moment and I’m sure the we thinking the same thing and that is wishing you could be around to see the milestones that our son reachers and just that face he gives that his so proud of himself I’m sure you know that face….maybe….

But in all this I pat myself on the back and tell myself I have come this far after all I have been through I can get through this emotional nights I have which has become less which is a good thing after all. And I will get through them all in due time yes it’s been now like over 2yrs we been divorced and all of this feels like it happened yesterday….guess everyone takes a different timeframes to get over things…. but I know and I’m sure this isnt going to be something I will get over I will have to learn to accept what has happened…..as you moved on as if it all meant nothing to you and this was during our marriage and still I’m here dealing with it all but I will accept it all someday…..

You are missed alot…you are not gone and you not forgotten…

Reblog : They….

They used me as a woman, cheated on me, changed me, saw tears on my face, and I forgave unforgivable things and cried until the last day.

And here I am, with a thousand insecurities on top of anxiety attacks, and more. But I wake up everyday with this heavy weight on my shoulders that knocks me down every time, but in all I stand up and tell myself I can do this and everything to come. Because they broke me into a thousand pieces but slowly I am rebuilding. ❤️

Feelings….

I really don’t like you. The reason I say I don’t like you isn’t because I truly dislike you. It’s because I wish I didn’t like you as much as I do. I’m crazy about you in actuality.

I’ve always prided myself in being the girl who doesn’t need a guy to give her joy or purpose. I’ve always been content in life by only focusing on myself, and what’s truly important in life. Then you came around and I don’t even know what to do with myself anymore. You’re literally going through my mind so much during the day that it begins to frighten me.

I’ve always been good at avoiding catching feelings because I rather save my heart from the heartache. Then you came around and liking you is completely inevitable. I hate to find myself in this position, that I haven’t been in, in so long. I’ll admit I’m extremely scared and trying to fight these feelings. It feels like liking you may even be one of the deadly sins because I know It’ll only end up devastating for me because of what you told me in the very beginning. How can something that feels so wrong, also feel so right?

I know I know I know, that you’re nothing like the other guys. I believe that one with all of my heart. Knowing your mindset on life make me sure you’re a good one. I know you and have faith in you. I’m not worried about you breaking my heart, I’m worried about me breaking my own heart by falling for you.

I try and avoid liking you because I feel like I will never be enough for you, or you’ll never be interested. It’s so hard not to fall for you, whenever I look at you I know God made you, and he made a work of art when he made you. Your smile and laugh might be the most addictive drug to me. It’s all about the way you laugh when you’re amused by my crazy talk. It’s all so beautiful. Every moment spent with you I can feel God’s wisdom and love through your presence. You bring the absolute best out of me and I’m sure you know all of this already.

I know how you feel towards me as you have told me. I just don’t want to be the idiot girl who leads herself on which i actually was and am now. I don’t expect anything from you. I can’t. These are my feeling, even if they’re feelings I don’t necessarily want. I’ll have to learn to live with them.

I’m going to push my feelings to the side and make sure you never know of this, why? Because I respect you. I don’t want to ruin this. Neither do I want you to look at me any differently if you don’t feel the same way. What we have is an amazing thing. You’re always here to listen to me complain about my day and uplift me. If I am ever conflicted with something you always know the right things to say, and you share your wisdom with me. How couldn’t I like you? It’s nearly impossible. I thank God for you every night. You’re the kind of guy I’ve always prayed to meet. When I do find him, If he’s not you, I hope he’s as great as you are. You’re also the kind of guy I’d rather have in my life as just a friend, then to not have in my life at all. Even though it would be nice to have you be more than that. I’ve realized that sometimes the connection means more than the title and if it comes down to that I’m willing to do that for the sake of us.

Happy 6th Birthday My Sausage

Daniel Frank Abrahams where do mommy start… 6years years old already…..

I’ve known you for 6years now and I love you more and more each morning and night. My goal has always been to raise you to be a kind, hard-working, humble, and happy boy into a man and still is. I know I am not the perfect mother-I have made my mistakes, but you have kept me striving to do better, gave me a reason to fight and gave me a reason to do better with my life. You might not understand my words yet, but when you’re old enough I can’t wait to explain your impact on my life. Not just as a mother and son, but as soul mates. You are my world. You’re a piece of my soul. You will never know it, but you have got me through my darkest days, you encouraged my smile when my heart was in pieces. You forced me to keep on going. I needed the challenge. These past years have been the most challenging in both our lives, and honestly I wouldn’t take back a second of it. We learned how to survive through the toughest times, learned independence, we both matured. So even though your dad and I are no longer together, I wrote you this letter so you know that you were a product of two parents who loved one another more than anything in this world. I’m very sorry that we couldn’t stay together, you were a symbol of our love. We wanted you and loved you from the moment that we found out that I was pregnant. We dreamt about you, we talked about how silly you would turn out to be, we felt your kick’s against my stomach. You are the greatest gift in this world, raising you has been my greatest achievement.

As you enter your 6th year, these are my reminders for you:
Always RESPECT- give it and you earn it! Respect adults, your family, grandma and grandpa, your sister, your teachers, other parents, females, and your classmates.
Most of all, respect yourself-you are a smart and handsome young man that is capable of doing anything you want in life.
Take responsibility for your actions- If you make mistakes, learn from your mistakes and do better next time!
Humble is important- Aim to be the best version of you, remember that having confidence is amazing, but cockiness is unattractive.
Always take care of You.
You are God’s gift to me, my heart will continue to melt watching you do that things that you love, when you say you love me, when you hug and kiss me.

I love you & Happy birthday my Sausage

Love Mommy

To The Boy Who Made Me A Mom!

Dear Son,
You have changed me. You have made me a mother – the greatest role of my lifetime. I didn’t know how much I wanted to be a mother until I became a mother to you. I have never experienced another love like this.

You have made me tired, but I am so in love. When you were placed in my arms for the first time, my heart exploded with the amount of love I had for you even though I just met you. I may not sleep as much, but my lack of sleep is forgotten during those tender middle-of-the-night feedings, when it’s just me and you, sitting in the rocking chair, your little body curled against mine. I may have a loads of laundry and piles of dishes to do, but all of that is swept from my mind when I’m swaying you back to sleep, your big eyes slowly closing, your tiny fingers wrapped around mine. These moments are fleeting and I am going to savor each one.


You have made my body softer, but I am beautiful. My body changed while I was pregnant with you, ever expanding and changing shapes to make room for the growing you. It continued to amaze me when I gave birth to you, allowing me to realize how strong my body is. During the first six months of your life, my body provided you with your only source of nutrition. My body may be different than it was before you existed, but I love it more now because without it, I wouldn’t have you.


Finally, you made me…me. My identity is not just myself anymore. I am no longer just a daughter, a sister, or a wife. I am now somebody’s mother! Your mother! This is the best version of myself. When I look at you and you’re smiling your toothy smile back, there’s nobody else I’d rather be. I’m excited for our adventure together and I know the best is yet to come.

Thank you for making me a mother.
Love,
Mommy

To The Boy Who Made Me A Mommy

Dear Son,

You have changed me. You have made me a mother – the greatest role of my lifetime. I didn’t know how much I wanted to be a mother until I became a mother to you. I have never experienced another love like this.

You have made me tired, but I am so in love. When you were placed in my arms for the first time, my heart exploded with the amount of love I had for you even though I just met you. I may not sleep as much, but my lack of sleep is forgotten during those tender middle-of-the-night feedings, when it’s just me and you, sitting in the rocking chair, your little body curled against mine. I may have a loads of laundry and piles of dishes to do, but all of that is swept from my mind when I’m swaying you back to sleep, your big eyes slowly closing, your tiny fingers wrapped around mine. These moments are fleeting and I am going to savor each one.

You have made my body softer, but I am beautiful. My body changed while I was pregnant with you, ever expanding and changing shapes to make room for the growing you. It continued to amaze me when I gave birth to you, allowing me to realize how strong my body is. During the first six months of your life, my body provided you with your only source of nutrition. My body may be different than it was before you existed, but I love it more now because without it, I wouldn’t have you.

Finally, you made me…me. My identity is not just myself anymore. I am no longer just a daughter, a sister, or a wife. I am now somebody’s mother! Your mother! This is the best version of myself. When I look at you and you’re smiling your toothy smile back, there’s nobody else I’d rather be. I’m excited for our adventure together and I know the best is yet to come.

Thank you for making me a mother.

Love,
Mommy

“Diamond Of A Woman”

“Open up your eyes Little One. Really open them, and take a look around you. Look at everything you’ve survived. Look at all you’ve overcome. Be proud of yourself! Be so DAMN proud of this GORGEOUS diamond of a woman, you’ve become.”

Don’t judge!

“You may open my book, and read me. But please do not step in and judge, based on only one page of my story. There are many chapters and many lines. I stumble, rise and fall. And if you truly want to know me full well, you will have to read them all.”

Thanking my Older Sister

Having an older sister is like a best friend, second mom and a role model all wrapped into one amazing person. Maybe you didn’t feel that way when you were younger but now she’s your go-to, ride or die partner in crime. You know how lucky you are to have her, but sometimes you forget to verbalize it. Here are a few things you should thank your sister for.

1. Breaking in your parents for you.
Your sister was your parents’ first-go-around at parenting, so they were overly strict, set higher expectations and she took the brunt of the punishment. By the time they got to you, they eased up and let some things slide that they would’ve never overlooked in your sister’s day.

2. Her closet.
Chances are you had zero fashion sense in middle school and you looked at your sister’s closet as a beacon of style. Any chance you got, you would sneak in and try her clothes on, failing completely to look as good as her. And on your covert missions, you kept a few souvenirs hoping she wouldn’t catch you wearing a few of them.

3. Being your ride for all those years you didn’t have a car.
When your parents were busy, she was the one to drive you here, there and everywhere. You would ride shotgun, listen to her music, stop somewhere for food…you preferred it to riding with your parents.

4. Turning to her for advice.
Boys, drama with friends, clothing, anything you would never go to your parents for, you turned to her for everything. She always knew what to say in any given situation.

5. Trusting her opinion above all else.
You valued her opinion because you knew that anything you were currently going through, she had been there and survived it. Whenever you needed her, she was there, answering every call or text, ready to walk you through any crisis you found yourself in.

6. Never ratting you out to your parents.
All those crazy shenanigans you took part in, she knows about them but would never spill to your parents. You have an unspoken understanding that siblings keep certain unknowns from parents.

7. Setting you straight when you make stupid decisions.
She’s the first to praise your successes but she’s also never hesitated to call you out when you’ve made the wrong choice.

8. Picking up the check, the tab, etc.
Whenever you were low on cash, she offered to help you out never expecting anything in return. She did because as your older sister, her job is to look out for you.

9. Being there for you unconditionally.
She’s never failed you, and she never will. Rides, sound advice, a good laugh, a shoulder to cry on, she’s your go-to person. Besides your parents, she’s one of the only people that will drop everything to be there for you.

10. Knowing you better than anyone else.
She knows your likes, dislikes, secrets, dreams and crushes. She knows what you’re like on your best days and your worst days. She knows how to console you and what to do to lift your mood. She’s your role model, your best friend, your older sister.

“and she smiles”

“He restores, what is broken. He gave her back the years, that the enemy, had stolen. And she smiles without fear, when He is near her. He is her guide, and her protector. Nothing, and no one, can harm her now. And the warmth of her laughter, is His most favorite, of sounds.” #GodHasGotMe #GodRestoresMe

Hurting so much tonight 💭


This took place all before when I thought I knew everything or I was told I knew everything but I didn't know this was going on for a year and a half already as I was then told about it and that was when everything went down heel for me. 
    • Constant anxiety attacks
    • In the clinics for 2weeks
    • 3 x suicidal attempts
    • Abusing him even more than before emotionally and physically
    
    

    Broken was an understatement for what I was feeling. Everything came crashing down on me when I was told eveyething I will never forget that felling I felt when it was all said of what,when,how ect it hurt and it hurt deep very deep….. Feeling I will never ever forget ever…..

    Below is actually what brought on the truth to actually be told as it was said I was going to take this to my grave…. So I’m sure if I didn’t see the below either the affair would have went on or I would have found out later as the truth will come out eventually whether there was still an affair or not….. But what happened after this even though he lied with me right next to him as he still went off with her after all he put me through after the truth was told…..
    Conversation

    Her – Hi him and Kim. Is it possible for me to see the both of you please?

    Him – Hi there why would you want to see the both of us?

    Her – Accept and move on. Closure I guess. Yesterday after our conversation I was left with an uncertainty kinda feeling. I suppose seeing it right infront of you is different from a telephonic conversation. I don’t want to cause any drama. Just see you both. End off on good terms with both you and Kim‚ if you guys feel not. Then I understand. I only had good intentions. And apologize to Kim. We weren’t exactly very nice to each other this last bit and it wasn’t her fault.

    Him – Personally i don’t want to and Kim don’t want to either. So rather not.I will inform her.

    Her – Understood Rather don’t. It’s something I wanted to do. But understand

    Him – Well I told her the msg already. She just said she has forgiven you already for what has happened and holding no grudges. She just wants you to move on and wishes you all the best.

    Her – can I call?

    Him – Yes

    Her – Please, if there is any kind of future for us.. I ask that u tell Kim everything. Tell her about the plans we made, how in love we are. The letter I wrote. The gift u accepted and probably still hiding away. Tell her that u wanted me pregnant. Please just tell her everything. I love you and am very in love with you. Tell her how we are at work and the connection others see. Tell her that u not ready to let me go. All or nothing remember.

    Him – I told her about that all already yes. The plans, being in love, the letter, the wanting to be pregnant and the gift. Everything. We are done and focusing on my family now. If this continues, I will have to block you, so please stop.

    Her – Don’t do this to us. We’ve come along way. Does she know why you didn’t tell her about my divorce? Or the countless times we slept together. That you wanna live in me.. How u feared going home the day we went for coffee. What we have is real. You ask me to marry you.My mom just asked today when u taking her on that movie date. That I was there when u needed me. Financially,
    physically,emotionally. Love I don’t want to let go of us.

    Him – we are done please respect my decision. As I said Kim knows everything as I have told her everything. So please stop this.

    Her – Kim msgd me at 4 this morning yes. Doubt she knows everything. All you did was hurt me in the end. Please stop kissing me, touching me, looking at me. No more flirting or walking around with hard on. We still need to speak to Andie when u back. I no longer wish to work with you. I know now that I meant nothing and that hurts. That what said is untrue. You may only decide to tell her what you want and make me look bad and yourself good.. But I know truth. My cousin knows the truth. I didn’t know that you can be this person or capable of doing this to me. But it is what it is. My heart hurts and I am sad. Be cold towards me. I now know the real you.

    Him – Yes I was laying next to her when she msged you. Just leave us alone please.

    Her – Likewise leave me alone. No more lift moments. Remove my access to your phone that I’ve had for year.Out of curiosity, what did Kim say about the reason u didn’t tell her about my divorce

    Him – Does it even matter what she said

    Her – To me yes

    Him – She wants to be with me and i want to fix things so deal with it.

    Her – So why still msg when she already did

    Him – Because you think you trying to make more shit by asking if kim knows this and that in the meantime she knows everything.

    Her – Not trying to make make more shit. Was trying to remind you of what we have. And how far we have come. I’ve seen you cry so many times and reach breaking point

    Him – And Im telling you what we had is what we had I want to fix this with Kim and that’s final. So respect that.I warned you that if you continue this I will have to block you seems like I have to do that now.

    Her – As long as you keep your hands to urself and ur dick in ur pants.You and Kim with ur threats.. block me.

    Him – No threats I warned you.


    But just a msg to myself tonight just keep doing what you doing you doing a great job your boy loves you and you love him…. His all that matters to me now….

    12am thoughts 💭

    As I lay here not being able to sleep. I just think to myself do you and her actually realized what you did you both cheated, do you things that you done nothing wrong, do you think you will forever be happy, do you realize you will have to answer questions one day to both your kids you have from your previous marriage, do you realize you will have to answer questions to you current unborn child, do you just realize all of this????

    I’m still hurting alot and I think I will forever hurt no matter what…. It’s sore as I lay her those tears just roll down and just can’t be controlled.

    I will never love again I do not ever want a man in my life the only man I have and live for is my big little man the one that calls me mommy and knows the sound of my heartbeat inside my body. I have been hurt way to much to ever want to love again. I make this promise to you my son that another man mommy will not love ever as I will not complicate your life anymore than what it is also. I live for you and for you alone my boy. People can say I’m selfish but you are my priority.

    Your dad didn’t think of you one bit when he was doing what he was doing with his woman that is now carrying his child and that saddens me so much as it just shows what you really mean to him my boy… You father didn’t have the balls to tell me his found someone else and wants to leave he was seeing her for a year and a half or so it’s been said until I found out and continued to lie that he wasn’t seeing her anymore but was still seeing her up until date.

    How do you two sleep at night knowing what you did and it’s out there and people talk about what you have committed (adultery) as the Bible says you went against God’s commandment does this not bother you in anyway at all?

    A letter to myself, a betrayed wife.

    Dear Self,

    I want you to find happiness. True happiness and peace within your soul. I know some days it feels impossible and the emotions from your husband’s infidelity are all you can feel, but remember the pain will recede with time. Remember when you first found out? Your mind couldn’t comprehend your husband’s actions and what he had done. You were angry, hurt, sad and you felt like your entire world had ended.

    Well, your life did not end. 

    Since you found out. Your eyes have opened, your feet have touched the ground and you’ve taken countless breaths since then. Breathing seems like such a simple action but remember how hard it was to catch your breath in the wake of discovering your husband’s affair? Remember the frantic tears and screaming that consumed you? That part is over. Since then you’ve opened your eyes each morning and survived. Survived a pain worse than you have ever known.

    37a16153be3572ae11b2971757216643Perhaps, you did not realize how much you loved your husband until you realized your marriage might be over. It’s possible that both of you did not comprehend the devastation and horror of deception until the affair was uncovered. And it’s possible, that your husband, as much as he loves you, did not love himself enough to stop the affair. The affair was not about you. It was not about an unhappy or unloving marriage. The affair was about him and his feelings of failure. Those feelings led him to self-destruct. Your husband never even considered for one second during his affair that his actions would rip your heart out, cause you pain that would make you welcome death, destroy the marriage you once shared. It may hurt more because you are both so much in love. Maybe that connection will be a blessing and make you work harder.

    Remember to love yourself. Embrace happiness. Pursue your dreams. You are in control of your own future and the people you choose to share your life. You are secure in yourself and that is also a blessing. Don’t let this affair change who you are deep down inside. Yes, the affair should open your eyes and force you to look deeply at what weaknesses lay within you and your husband, but don’t allow this to change your soul.

    yoga-as-the-sun-rises

    You are beautiful.

    You are loved.

    You are smart.

    You are kind.

    You are strong.

    I bet you never realized how strong you actually are, right? You never thought you would fight for a broken relationship and do it with pride. You never thought you would love him if he cheated. I bet it shocks the hell out of you that you never stopped loving him. His arms wrapped around your body have never made you feel so safe. His kiss has never made you feel so loved. The sound of his voice has never made your heart beat faster than it does today. Your love will continue and grow. You will find that when you make your way to the other side of this journey you will both be better, stronger and happier.

    Every day is a blessing, even those days that feel like a nightmare. You realize this now when you look around and see how fragile life can be. You’ve lost family and friends since discovering his affair and celebrated holidays, anniversaries, birthdays and more. Life continues regardless of the pain you feel and the tears you cry. Remember the sun rises each morning out of darkness and so shall you. When you place your feet upon the ground, connect yourself to the world and engage your mind, body and soul in all that you do.

    You are much more than this affair. 

    Your husband is much more than this affair. 

    As strong as you are remember that you are also vulnerable. You forgot that before. You thought that a good (better than good) marriage was not vulnerable to an affair. You didn’t protect the marriage. You didn’t know any better, but now you do. You know that even a loving, supportive, happy marriage can hold a spouse that is less than confident in himself/herself. He realizes he trusted the wrong person. He didn’t go looking for an affair but he did propel it forward. He gave her an invitation to exploit him, use him for her own selfish needs and leave him feeling like a complete failure. Recognize both your mistakes and take that knowledge with you. Recognize that love is a verb, an action and you must live that love to feel it everyday. You know now that love is primary… life may bring annoyances and grievances but the love must be first. Communication is utterly important. No matter how much you love someone and how in sync you are, neither of you are mind readers. You must speak your thoughts, your fears, your joys–all of it matters and is more important than you knew.

    There is no road map to heal from infidelity but you should trust your instincts. No matter how powerful and painful the breaking is from infidelity, that breaking is opening up a door to a new life. One that is better because of this pain.

    You will survive.

    Breathe in.

    Breathe out.

    Listen to your heart. 

    I am. I am. I am.

    Love,

    Yourself

    Dear Liars and Cheaters,

    I am writing to you today on behalf of all of those you have hurt, demeaned and damaged, both past and present, in relationships.

    I understand that sometimes temptation is so easy to yield to; especially in this media rich day and age that almost encourages cheating and lying.

    The temptation to cheat is a beast that is conquered with a little practice of self-control.

    There is so much pain and suffering in the world today that we should always be mindful and look for ways to reduce any unnecessary heartache with one another.

    That being said, I have a few issues and key points I would like to address with you.

    1. If you truly aren’t happy or satisfied in a relationship, why not just end it and save the heartache of your partner? Sure, it will sting a bit at first, but hearing the truth is so much better than the crushing blow of a lie.

    One lie can un-do so many good aspects of the time shared together – if you lied and cheated, then what else over the course of the relationship did you lie about? Better to cut to the chase, tell the truth and leave the past memories intact and precious to the now ex in your life.

    I have experienced this more than a few times in my past, and given the choice, I’d much rather hear the truth than find out later on about the lies and indiscretions.

    2. Why enter into a committed relationship in the first place if you know deep down inside that you cannot be faithful? Be upfront about your past, such as if you have issues with being faithful; let your partner know if you have any misgivings or hold-outs on relationships in general, going as far as your capacity to commit.

    Honesty really is the best policy – give the person you are considering a relationship with that choice if they want to take the chance on you and risk possible heartbreak.

    As the Golden Rule states: Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you.

    If for any other reason, keep in mind that karma is a bitch and any pain you cause will eventually come back to you in one way or another.

    I wrote this letter to myself while I was in Crescent Clinic when I was lost and stuck in my own mind battling severe depression and my Future self is showing slowly but surely.

    Little Fighter

    Depression is a chemical imbalance that consumes you.

    I know how you’re feeling. You’re afraid. You’re scared that you won’t be able to surpass this. You’re terrified that you will never feel happy again. Suddenly writing essays and everything that you once found easy to do is incredibly difficult. Zoning out at your computer screen is a common occurrence. You can’t get through the day without calling your sis after classes. You can’t make decisions. You can’t eat. You can’t sleep. You feel alone. Even in a group of people and friends, you feel alone. You’re drowning in your own thoughts. They flood your ears and you can’t hear the people or professors around you. Everything is a blur. You don’t know who your friends are and if you even have any. You miss your family and old friends. You can’t even cry yourself to sleep because sleeping is a rare occasion.

    You feel stuck in this immovable state where you can’t really enjoy anything and you just don’t feel like you belong to anything or anyone yet. You don’t understand. You used to be blissfully happy. Every little thing bugs you and you have trouble finding your place. I know it’ll take time. But it will be okay. I promise.

    Feelings are temporary, please remember this. What you’re feeling now will NOT be what you’re feeling always! I only wish you could see yourself as others see you! I wish I had a magic wand to wave that would make all your insecurities go away forever! I can’t wait until you realize all the wonderful attributes you have to offer others. Looking back at the pain you endured and how much you tore yourself apart kills me inside. I wish I could show you the future and how well you are doing now. Let me tell you a little bit about that.

    You are thriving. You found your safe place and you couldn’t be happier. Your friends are overflowing. Wherever you look, someone is there to support and love you. Happiness is a feeling that never goes away. A smile is something that is always stretched across your face. You are loved. You are liked. You are important. You mean so much to your friends. You make an impact on peoples lives. Your family is proud of you, they love and support you more than ever. You are strong. You are you. You can get through this.

    “If you could only sense how important you are to the lives of those you meet; how important you can be to the people you may never even dream of. There is something of yourself that you leave at every meeting with another person.”

    So when the darkness fills your head and life takes the breath out of your lungs, remember that you are the most important person in your life. Learn to dance in this torrential downpour. Take care of yourself. “Life gets better” is not just a cliche. Forget the past and don’t worry about the future. Focus on now and climbing up that ladder. Don’t lose hope because little fighter, things will get brighter.

    Love,

    Your future self

    To my precious little boy

    Thinking of what I want to say to you already puts me in tears. Happy tears of course but makes me so emotional trying to find the right words to express how much I love you and how special you are to me. I wanted to write this letter to you because there are a few things I want you to remember and never forget.

    I’m so proud of you.

    When I first found out I was pregnant with you, the joy and anticipation of your arrival was the only thing we could think about. Watching and feeling you grow inside me was such a miracle. First you were the size of a peanut hence your name was peanut throughout my pregnancy then you were the size of a watermelon. Time flies! When you were born, I didn’t know who you’d be, but I knew you’d be my everything and my life only got better. You have given my life so much purpose. Watching you smile for the first time, take your first few steps, say your first words, taste new foods, reach every milestone, and seeing you being such a happy boy, gave me so much pride in you and also pride in ourselves. Everywhere we go, I proudly watch you and I think to myself that you are the most beautiful boy in the world. You do silly, innocent little things that make me laugh and also show me how kind your heart is. You are such a sponge and so smart. You watch us do things and so eager to try to do it yourself. You love figuring out how to put things together and equally eager to take them apart. These past five years have been everything to me and I couldn’t be more proud.

    Always be kind and do the right thing.

    When I imagined becoming a mother, I envisioned the hard times raising a child would be in my fast-changing society. Life is amazing, but it can also be tough. I realize I can’t keep you away and protect you from all the bad things and trying times, but I hope to raise you to be kind, respectful, brave, and humble. You will be faced with a lot of temptation in life and you will know what you should or shouldn’t be doing. These temptations are never worth it in the end. This temptation will come with peer pressure and has consequences. It takes a lot of courage and bravery to do the right thing. Never have too much pride to ask for help. We all make mistakes and a lot of times these are the valuable lessons in life. If you are ever tempted or find yourself in a hole, I hope you know I will always be here for you to help make the right choice and will help you get through whatever may come from your choice. I might not always have the answers to everything or the things you want to hear, but i will always be here for you.

    You are so blessed.

    Life is full of challenges, struggles, and what I like to call, “life humps.” “Your gratitude will ultimately determine your attitude.” you and I have so much to be thankful for: our health, amazing friends and family, and everything that we have already been so blessed with in life. If you ever get down, please remember this and count your blessings. You are full of spunk and I love how much you laugh. I hope you are always able to find your smile because your smile is contagious. I don’t even have to touch you in order to tickle you. I just have to move my hands toward your belly and you giggle yourself silly. Right now, it’s so easy for you to enjoy the simple pleasures in life: you always dance when you hear music, you always point out airplanes and the moon, and you always wave at random people who pass by, and always spark a smile to anyone that’s having a bad day even when I’m having a bad day. We are blessed in so many ways and remember that you always have me to come to and remind you of the positives in your life to hopefully turn any frown upside down…even if I have to ‘pretend’ tickle you.

    I love you unconditionally.

    I have treasured our time with just the two of us. You made me a parent and that is the best gift i could have ever asked for. I will hold all of our memories close to my heart and look forward to making new memories. I will repeatedly tell you how fast time flies and miss the days when you needed me, needed me to bath you, put your shoes on for you, and help you get stuff out when they are “stuck”. I also look forward to the days when you don’t need me and start a family of your own. When you hold your own baby in your arms for the first time, you will have an overwhelming feeling of love that takes over your body. Please remember that love and that feeling because that is exactly the amount of love i have for you.

    You have been my biggest joy in life. You are my best friend and always will be. I hope you will continue to grab my hands to show me things and miss me when I am not there. I am so blessed to have you as my son. Thank you for being you and making my life so much better. I love you unconditionally and always will.

    I love you always and forever,

    Mommy XOXO

    Apology accepted. Trust Denied.

    Betrayal is one of the hardest things you can experience, and you may feel it’s your fault. But I promise you it’s not. It’s not your fault that someone decided to back-stab you and treat you poorly. It’s that persons fault for not valuing you or respecting you.

    In my own life there was someone who betrayed me and treated me badly, and they didn’t even realize they were doing it. It’s very hard for me to not go off on that person give them a piece of my mind. However, I realized I don’t want to stoop to their level.

    The hardest part is the person doesn’t realize what they have done.

    When confronted, they act aloof and like they’re never wrong. They act like the situation they created did not even exist. If this was a year or two back, I probably would have gone off on that person and made them feel how I felt, but I have grown and matured and realized that I don’t need to yell at someone or cuss at them to prove my point. As great as it feels to be the bigger person, it still hurts that someone you cared about and trusted does you wrong.

    How to get over it? Realize that its not your fault. You didn’t make them behave like that – they did it themselves. Even though they blame you and say its your fault. And by betraying and hurting you, they ruined your connection. It’s okay to not want to stay friends with them or hang out with them you need your space. Another thing is it’s okay to feel like you want tell them off, but don’t do it. It may seem like a good idea, but it’ll just make a bad situation worse. Just let it go and move on.

    How to handle being around that person? Well, it may so happen to be that this person is in your child’s father, and you still have to be decent and civil with them. You can’t hate them no matter how much you feel like you do. Hating that person isn’t going to make your situation better. You will still feel bad either way. Just be as kind as possible. I’m not saying to be all over them, but be nice and civil.

    What has betrayal taught me? It has taught me to not be so open and so giving to people who don’t deserve it. Betrayal taught me to be a little more guarded. I’m still friendly, but now I have boundaries. Betrayal also taught me that I don’t need to like everyone, and not everyone needs to like me. I’ve been in a situation were someone who was very close to me did something they didn’t realize was wrong, and no matter how much I tried to explain it to them, they remained aloof and pretended like nothing was wrong. But I realized that I can’t change people. Feeling sorry and remorse comes from within. In life, you will deal with people who, no matter what, will not admit to being wrong they will be never be able to understand your feelings. Unfortunately, you will deal with people who just don’t care about your feelings and have no regard for your emotions.

    I have also learned to appreciate the people in my life who are real, genuine, and have proven to have my best interests at heart. I am thankful for all of the loyal people in my life, and I have learned to not care about the “fake ” people who were just part of my life, temporarily. Just be positive happy and focus on yourself.

    Dear Past, Present and Future Me 

    I’ve always loved writing letters to myself. There’s something so lovely about putting in the time to being honest, hopeful, and open to writing to myself, for myself. It is very therapeutic. I don’t need it as often as keeping a diary, but the spontaneity of it brings waves of relaxation and serenity. I think it’s an effective way to get back in touch with one’s self. I’m left with a tangible memory of either the person I was at that time, or a wish for the “current me” (who’s reading it later) to remember a particular lesson, or to keep a resolution I had made with myself.

    Writing a letter to yourself gives you insight and teaches you valuable life lessons that will stick with you long afterward. Think of it as a time capsule. It creates great self-awareness and allows me to feel gratitude for all the things I’ve done and will do. The best letters are [purposely] filled with something useful; whether positive, a critique, or just observations and reflections I found too compelling not to put down in ink.

    I want to write a letter to myself: past, present, future. I want to reflect on how far I’ve come (past), quickly cheer myself up (present), and send good vibes to who I’ll become (future). I want you to do it too. I want us all to say hi, say something nice – say anything, and help our own selves out. Take time to rediscover who you were and who you can possibly become.

    Love Letters To Myself

    Dear Past Me,

    I’m happy that you say we didn’t make any dire decisions. I don’t want to tell you too much because I think we turned out pretty fine. Well…maybe rethink what you want to do in college but no worries y’know. Continue what you’re doing. I have to admit we’re different people now but I’d love to become parts of who we were back then. I’ve always loved how frank, honest, and outgoing you are. I’m so proud of you for that, and so much more.

    Thank you for staying strong and not allowing people to get you down (for too long). Thanks for not giving up and having faith in yourself. I’m grateful to you for both the successes and failures. And especially for the failures, because if it wasn’t for them, I wouldn’t know any better. Thank you for learning your limits and knowing when to take risks and when to restrain. For learning how to stand up for yourself and for finding your voice. I am, again, grateful, that you always knew that the best way to be happy is by being yourself.

    A very special thanks for loving your mind and body. I have to admit, sometimes it’s harder these days to cope with the doubts and insecurities in my head, but I do find solace when I think of you and I feel re-inspired to keep trying. I’m happy to say that I still love my little tummy, and my rubbing thighs, and my almost ruler-straight shoulder, and my disproportionately long-ass legs. Thank you for not being overly self-conscious even though you once thought you had every reason to be. You have so much ahead for yourself and I know there’ll be times when you’re afraid of the future but, don’t worry. Again, I think we turned out alright.

    Throughout your next few years, you will grow immensely. In this time period, you will learn much about yourself, even things you weren’t aware of or didn’t know were possible.

    Dear Present Me,

    I’m so it seems useless to write this but it doesn’t hurt to take advantage of the reflective mood I’m in. But I’ll keep it short. Whether it’s a bad time, a good time, or some life-changing event, keep your head up. I don’t want to force you to positive, but rather keep being hardworking and hopeful.

    Dear Future Me,

    I hope you’re doing well. I hope you’re every version of success that you want to be. I hope you’ve kept all the wonderful people, and the little things in life, at the forefront. I hope you’re still eternally grateful for what you have and never want for more than you absolutely need. I hope you were able to find and keep that quality of life you’ve always been striving for. I especially hope you’re doing all the things you’ve ever wanted and that they are making you immeasurably happy.

    I hope you’re still learning from your past. From me. Don’t be afraid to see when something’s wrong, and don’t be afraid to be wrong at times. Take risks, but wisely.

    Challenge yourself and reach big. Believe that you can and understand when you can’t. Have faith that things aren’t always as hard as they seem and stay strong when they really are. And most importantly, live your life being you. And no one else.

    When Dropping my son off by his father

    When I drop off my son with his father. I’ve been doing this for over six months now and it’s not feeling any more normal than the first time. Each time, I feel pain and remorse. I feel a cape of guilt pulling at my throat. I can’t see the flowers or hear the birds. I don’t notice anything but my son: the way he move, how he talk, his scent.

    It doesn’t matter how much I need a break from momming and am looking forward to some alone time. It doesn’t matter if he is anticipating a lovely weekend with cousins, going camping and eating lots of junk food. It doesn’t matter that I am thinking about my son way more than he is thinking about me.

    It doesn’t matter if he is barely fazed and his lips brush mine and he squeal, “Love you, mom,” as I watch the back of his little body run to his father’s door.

    It doesn’t matter if I have something exciting planned, a good book to read or if I am so damn tired I can’t see straight or if I am thankful to have a quiet night to just be.

    I have tunnel vision and can only see one thing: our new normal. Mine and his. And it’s heart-wrenching. There is nothing that can fix it. It sucks my soul dry.

    There is a moment when none of it makes a difference. It shows me that something you thought was going to stay with your for the rest of your life is gone. It feels like I can’t move and I am a horrible woman for needing a break. Part of me feels like I deserve to feel this way. Then I don’t know if I should run after him and give him one more hug and tell him it will be OK for my sake or if I should drive away as fast as I can.

    There has not been one time I dropped him off and didn’t feel tears bubbling in my throat. Not one.

    I knew this would be the toughest mountain to climb, I did. But I didn’t think the hurt would be this intense for this long. Maybe it will stay with me forever but it is teaching me so much. What I have learned is: Through the hurt, we really are going to be OK.

    It has shown me something can break your heart but still be the right thing for everyone involved. It has forced me to make the best of my time without my son because no one deserves to tear themselves up for hours or days at a time reliving the same moments of their life that brought them to the present. Self-reflection is good but I refuse to spend my time away from my son not doing things I love that will build me up. We are allowed to save ourselves, and that is what I must do. For me, for my son, and for the man I used to be married to the father of our son.

    I can feel the pain, I can endure it. Then I can let go of it and continue to live.

    As the New Year Approaches let me Remind myself

    Dear Me

    Congratulations! I made it through another year of life. This past year hasn’t been easy, by any means. It was full of tears, heartbreak, and loneliness. It was full of changes, some good, and some bad. But it was also a year full of laughter, memories, new friendships, and love. No matter what life threw at me, i took it and ran with it yes there was times I wanted to give up but God showed me it wasn’t my time, he has more and better in store for me. I grew from it and you learned from it, and that is something I should be incredibly proud of yourself for. There is so much more to life.

    But this year is coming to a close, and it is time to look forward to the New Year. Just like this past year, I’m sure that life will take me on a roller coaster ride, and there are just a few things that I want to tell myself before this New Year starts.

    I want myself to remember to love myself because I am worth loving. I am beautiful, strong, smart, creative, kind, loving, and caring. And those are enough reasons on their own. Everyone has known all of those things since they’ve known me, and they love me more than anything, so it is about time i start to love myself too. After all, life is a thousand times better when i spend my time loving myself opposed to picking myself apart. So in this upcoming year I want myself to remember to love myself; hardly, strongly, and deeply love myself.

    I want to be open to myself up to the endless opportunities that lie in this world. I want to have the courage to take those leaps of faith. I hope that i open my heart enough to lose the fear of failure and take that class I have always wanted to, go on a date with that cute boy who asked you out even though you’re afraid of getting hurt, and go do something out of your comfort zone. I hope that in this upcoming year, i don’t let my fears keep me from missing out on some of life’s greatest opportunities.

    I hope that i live in the moment. I hope that i fully immerse myself into each moment I’m in and be in it with my whole heart. This is important, because i never know when that moment will end; if I’m not fully in each moment i could miss out on making the memories of a life time.

    I need to know that it is okay to take care of myself and put myself first sometimes. I hope that i have the courage to get rid of the negative relationships in my life, and I hope that I have the wisdom to know when i need to. I hope that I find it in myself to do what’s best for me, regardless of what anyone else thinks. I need to know that it is okay to take care of myself, and I also want to always know that it is completely okay to put myself first sometimes.

    I hope that this year, i tell people i love them. Remind the ones i love that i love them, and if i love someone, tell them, always. Life is way too short to not let people know how i feel about them. People might not be there tomorrow; so I will let them know how important they are to me while i can.

    And lastly, I absolutely NEED to know how beautiful I am, inside and out. No matter what anyone says, or how anyone makes me feel, i need to always remember it. I know that I don’t necessarily need to tell myself all of these things, but sometimes it just helps to be reminded. I know that in this next year, i will grow, and learn, and discover more of myself. I wish myself the very best in 2020, I know im going to kill it.

    Lastley I want to remind myself of what I’m loving for my little big man that brings so much joy to myself and we will have it all so much better for the year to come…. I things will all just fall into place for us.

    Love,

    Me.

    So your whore of a home wrecker is pregnant….

    On hearing of your whore being pregnant from our 5year old son…. I cried pitifully, alone in bed, lamenting what should have been. And yet it was brought to my attention before I heard from our son and I asked you about it and you denied it… You then called me one night and had a real long conversation with me on the phone and you asked me the following questions what would I do if she is pregnant and I said what can I do there is actually nothing I can do I will be hurt yes but can’t do a thing and all of this was to prepare me that the truth will reveal itself soon soon…. That she is expecting and in the same breath you tell me you need to see with here if she is pregnant but all along you know she was expecting and this all along you guys planned from the time that we were together….. You also told me in this conversation that you miss me alot and that you love me and how difficult this are and you don’t know what to do anymore and how you struggling with this and that…. And me being the kind person I am when it comes to you and helping you I said I will help you through this even if she is pregnant or not. I offered to pay her the money that you loan from here and also offered to sort your car out for you….. But you rejected me just like you rejected my love I had for you…. By finding love elsewhere…..

    In our six years together, we too had planned so much, often with great clarity. Yet, when it came to the many times I was certain and ready to move on to the next step in our relationship, you never were. You always needed more time – time to adjust, time to process, time on your own, time to work, time for space …now that I think about it I know what you needed time…. as you were living a double life….

    But now, over a year after we got divorced and I will never forget the day when I came from court you were so happy that it was done and for as long as I known you I have never seen you this happy ever and that was getting rid of me you weren’t even that happy on our wedding day. now you have made you home wreck of a woman pregnant… How could this be? What did I mean to you in the end – or even in the beginning? Was I too loyal, too accommodating? Did I love you too much? Does “she” have less cellulite, better taste in music? Is she more articulate? Does she smell sweeter? Is she a fabulous cook or a whore in bed? I cannot allow myself to dwell on these questions for fear I will be irreparably damaged by the lingering shadow of “Why her and not me?”

    Despite the crushing sense of rejection, I want you to know that I still have every little thing you gave me on our journey together.

    Alongside these, I have the burden of the memories of the things you said: how you felt beneath me, how you smelled and tasted, magical places we went together – memories that are so dear to me I can conjure them close in a breath. I cannot imagine that you have managed to reclaim or reshape these with someone else, or that you have managed to erase me from your past.

    But before that happens, I want you to remember that you walked away from someone whose heart skipped a beat when she saw you, who relished just being with you, even doing nothing at all, who happily sat with most of your bad habits without much complaint, who, quite frankly, would have done anything for you. This for me is the most difficult part – I hope that I can lose the surety of how I felt about you, or at least lose the idea of what I thought I was to you; or, even worse, who I thought you were to me.

    I am hopeful that I can one day move on to someone who deserves and cherishes my ability to love with my whole heart and who offers it back, someone who can help me see our time together for what it really was.

    At my best, I hope you have found the love of your life who makes you feel deep peace and joy in who you are, both together and apart. I loved you too much to want less for you.

    You ex wife that was cheated on for years…..

    Still I Rise by Yolanda Adams

    Shattered, but I’m not broken
    Wounded, but time will heal
    Heavy the load, the cross I bear
    Lonely the road I trod, I dare
    Shaken, but here I stand
    Weary, Still I press on
    Long are the nights, the tears I cry
    Dark are the days, no sun in the sky, yes
    Yet still I rise
    Never to give up
    Never to give in against all odds
    Yet still I rise
    High above the clouds
    At times I feel low
    Yet still I rise
    Sometimes I’m troubled, but not in despair
    Struggling, I make my way through
    Trials, they come to make me strong
    I must endure, I must hold on
    Yet still I rise
    Never to give up
    Never to give in against all odds
    Yet still I rise
    High above the clouds
    At times I feel low
    Yet still I rise
    Above all my problems
    Above all my eyes can see
    Knowing God is able to strengthen me
    To strengthen me
    Yet still I rise
    Never to give up
    Oh, Never to give in against all odds
    Yet still I rise
    High above the clouds
    At times I feel low
    Yet still I
    I need to know which way to go
    Yet still I
    At times I feel low
    Yet still I
    Oh Oh Oh I rise
    Yet still I rise
    Oh yes I do, yeah yeah

    14days to let it all Go

    You’ve got 14 days to let go of everything that needs to stay in 2019. All the people, pain, defeat, disappointment, hurt, heartbreak, grudges, failures, mistakes and missed opportunities. Let it all go. 2020 is going to be a year of fresh starts, new beginnings, new chapter, new chances and brand new opportunities!!!!!!!!!!!

    To the ex husband that cheated on me

    This is a shout out to the 6 years I won’t ever get back.

    I told you that I loved you, and you said it too, but the only difference was that I didn’t lie to you. So, honey, I hope you enjoy screwing your work colleague because sloppy seconds is all you’re ever going to get

    I could sit here and rant about how much I despise you, how dirty you did me and go on about how this is your loss and not mine, but I’m not going to do that. I’m here to say a prayer for you. So let me commence.

    Any man that feels it’s okay to cheat on a woman is truly a man I pray for. Because clearly there is something so bobbed in your morals and values that you felt it was okay to betray a woman who was nothing but loyal and all about you yes i had my faults to but what you done to me for such along time i would have never ever done to you or anymore for that matter.

    When you started you dirty business (but me not knowing that you were doing what you were doing), i think back to that time and it stunned me as to how insecure you were. I always went out of my way to make you feel as secure and stabled as possible. I wanted to give you absolutely no reason to not trust me. It really threw me off with how insecure you were, especially with the efforts I took to ensure all of my loyalty and trust possible. And now I realize it was because you were the one with a guilty conscious.

    And what hurts me, even more, is that I had to find out by going for a divorce because of how things was and you made it look like i wanted the divorce but meanwhile you really wanted it to look like it comes from me as i never knew about your dirty business and only really found out after we go divorced. Yet the day i went to file for divorce you sat there crying… i mean why if you really wanted this and had no reason to stop me because your next life with another woman was ready to walk into by creating a new family which is currently happening now. You did not even have the audacity to give me honesty. Instead, you let me live day-to-day completely oblivious to the fact I was dating a man who stabbed me in the back. And in all honesty, I feel so disgusted with myself. How did I not catch on to your insecurities? As a wife, I was doing everything right yet your doing brought the wrong things i done to you and yet you want to blame it on my childhood and what i was exposed to when i was a child, but that still was not enough for you. I made you my top priority and yet, I’m still the one paying the price.

    It’s men like you who make me believe that all guys are the same. You’re not even worthy of the term “man” because a man would not take such a large piece away from a woman he claimed to have “cared for”. And a man would not betray his best friend and sleep with his new woman like you did. Who on earth do you think you are?

    And from here, I’m just going to say “thank you” for those disgusting text messages you sent me calling me sickening and repulsive names I wouldn’t even classify to my deepest enemy. Honestly, my only response to that is to explain how sorry I am that you are so f*cked in the head that you feel it’s okay to use that kind of language on a human being, especially one that YOU cheated on. I feel horrible for this woman that has fallen in love with you and then there is a child on the way as well. (but like they say history repeats itself and that is exactly what is happening now where we got together and i fell pregnant and marriage had to come after that but likely you people all know me unlike now nobody or i think nobody has met her and they have to meet her because she has fallen pregnant with you child… and how sick also to add i didn’t hear about the pregnancy from you because that is the coward you are i had to hear it from our son.  I really truly pity her. She will not gain the respect that she is so deserving of, and my advice to her is to run. Run right now.

    To all the beautiful people out there, please, do not ever forget your worth.

    Do not let your value be defined by any single individual, especially one who doesn’t acknowledge it.

    Do not alter your morals and values to try and gain another’s attention.

    As human beings, we are so worthy of so much more. You should not want to be with someone who does not see you as their absolute everything. You should not commit your entirety to one who only commits a fraction. Life is a game made for everyone, and love is the prize. It is a beautiful entity, and if someone doesn’t see you for all that you are and more, I promise you someone else will.

    Luckily, I learned young as to what I do deserve and what I am worthy of, and fortunately for me, I’m no longer with someone who betrays and belittles me in such a way; so many people warned me about you, and I disregarded them because I thought I knew who you were. And now, you’re just a lesson learned.

    And to end this, I hope she’s getting satisfied and doesn’t have to fake it like I did.

    Amen.

    Xoxo,

    Your Ex Wife, Mother of your First Born Son

    5 Ways to take care of yourself after being Cheated on

    Once you’ve been betrayed by someone in a relationship, whether it’s unfaithfulness, abuse or a combination of the two, your outlook on trust is completely different in your relationships to follow. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing—it’s extremely important to learn from your romantic experiences in order to keep improving your love life.

    However, when your trust abilities are so damaged to a point that can become mentally exhausting in proceeding relationships, it’s necessary to be proactive about repairing your trust. Although you can’t change what happened to you in your past, you CAN take some of these steps to help maintain your confidence in a new relationship:

    1. Read a lot

    Even reading this article counts. Reading self-help books, stories and content related to these personal challenges can help to broaden your perspective on your love life and ease your mind about the many worries you probably have when trying to trust again. Whether it’s a psychological book or empowering poetry, reading about others’ similar experiences and how they’ve overcome them is living proof that you’ll be able to heal completely. Don’t think you’re alone in these feelings.

    2. Have an honest conversation with your current partner

    You can’t expect your partner to understand how you’re feeling unless you have an open dialogue with them. And guess what? They’re probably going to be more understanding than you think—if they aren’t, they’re probably not the best partner for you.

    3. Be honest with yourself

    If these mental roadblocks become too overwhelming for you, it’s important to be honest with yourself about where you’re at and whether or not a relationship is something you should be doing right now. Maybe you need more time on your own, or maybe this is something you need to face while in a relationship. It’s up to you—not anyone else.

    4. Self care, self care, self care

    This may not sound related to trust issues, but self care is so necessary for everyone, and it’s especially important when you’re struggling with some personal challenges like this. Remember to take time out of your day to take care of yourself. Exercise, bubble baths, sleep, music—you name it. The better you feel mentally and physically, the easier this will be to overcome.

    5. Remind yourself that every new relationship is a blank page

    It’s not a continuation of the relationship that damaged you. Just because someone else hurt you doesn’t mean that everyone following them will, too. I know, it’s a hard thing to wrap around your head, but you can’t forget it.

    Healing after being cheated on

    Healing After Being Cheated On

    For those who haven’t had their heart broken, their trust shattered and confidence totally destroyed by being cheated on, I hope you never have to go through this pain. It is unbearable, yet survivable. For those who have gone through this hurt and have survived my heart will always be with you. I understand this pain well but you are not alone my friends. This article is not simply about being cheated on by your first love, or by a fling or by a rebound. This is written for those who have been cheated on by their soulmates, their life partners and who have found the strength and courage to heal themselves. Here are some of the phases you might have gone through when you discovered the betrayal, and for those who have cheated or been the cheatee, this is an inside look into the pain the faithful partner has been through.

    Setting Down Your Boundaries

    After discovering that your partner was cheating on you, it might be a good time to set down some boundaries with your partner. Boundaries should be set in order to protect yourself after making your partner aware of your feelings. Once you’ve expressed yourself, making boundaries such as:

    • Not wanting to talk about the affair or cheating instance: Make sure that your partner is aware of your triggers and leave them accountable for being aware of your feelings.
    • Taking physical space from your partner: Whether it’s daily, weekly or month space. Make sure to take some time be alone because sometimes too much physical contact can bring up much tension.
    • No longer having contact with the cheatee: This is dependent upon who it is your partner cheated on you with. If your partner cheated on you with a hooker, similarly to the Tv show The Good Wife when Alicia learns about her husband’s affair with Amber, the hooker, asking for zero contact is more than fair. If your partner cheated on you with an old fling or perhaps their best friend, it is more than reasonable to ask for no contact between the two of them for a while.
    • Sleeping with clothing: Or having little physical intimacy between the two of you. If you don’t want to have sex with your partner after they cheated, you don’t have to. Sex is an intimate practice that requires great amounts of trust, and it will take time for your partner to earn that with you.

    These are just some example of boundaries to set with your partner, and of course, set your own as you see fit that will always be dependent upon many factors.

    Needing To Take Care of Yourself

    You might feel the need to fix the relationship right away. You might feel the need to fix whatever caused your partner to cheat on you in the first place. But the first steps you should take is taking care of yourself and not working to fix anything else.

    • Let yourself cry: Hell, let yourself scream. You may be feeling shocked, overwhelmed with stress and hurt and may not know how to react either. But at least you would be letting yourself feel. Seek out family, close friends that you trust and pour yourself out to them. And if you’re not that type of individual, take the time to spend a few night away from home if need be and be alone.
    • Rest: Taking naps, remember to eat food on a regular basis, go to the gym if need be to release your anger, or try a yoga class for relaxation. Get a massage, take walks, make some art classes or maybe just take vacation. Even if it’s a trip to some hot springs an hour away or a plane ticket to San Francisco, CA. Don’t be exhausted, take care of you first.

    Feeling Paranoid and Questioning Everything

    It is normal to go through this phase and I’m pretty certain everyone goes through this phase in particular. No one can blame you—the love of your life shared a special intimacy that you both promised to share with only each other. Once that’s been broken, you’re going to feel a little crazy and you’re probably going to feel a little (or a lot) crazy. But being overly suspicious of how long the cheating continued, if this happened with more than one person if your partner really loves you if you can actually forgive them or more, just let yourself go through the motions. If you have questions such as: Why did your partner cheat? Do they regret cheating on you? Or have they cheated on others in the past? You may even want to know every single, painful and heart-piercing detail like I did. This paranoia will plague you for a bit. However, don’t let this rule you, or your actions. At some point, whether you plan to continue on in the relationship or marriage OR if you decide to leave, this phase can leave you to be very stuck. Don’t let your partner or anyone else try to push you into not feeling paranoid, the more you feel forced to work through this phase, the more you will probably feel justified in feeling paranoid longer than what is healthy.

    • Spend time healing yourself: Speak to a therapist, journal, color, try yoga and maybe try something new that will relax you. But the more you take care of yourself when you are feeling like this, the more you will become more aware of your feelings that are separate from the paranoia.
    • Be patient: Practice this with yourself. You may often feel frustrated and with yourself or others, especially with your partner, but this is essential to your healing process, and to the relationship if you decide to stay in it.

    Not Being Able To, Or Wanting To Forgive

    You do not, especially under these circumstances, owe anyone your forgiveness. Especially your partner or the cheatee, whoever she or he may be. There will be a period when you are going to be unable to forgive, a time when you will want to forgive but you will know that you deserve more, and a time when you will know that you can or cannot forgive them. Regardless, forgiveness comes with time the same way trust will need to be re-earned. Don’t rush this process. Instead, set this down as one of your boundaries if you feel like it’s needed. Either it will or will not come.

    Moving On From The Hurt And Deciding To Heal Together

    As one of my favorite characters in the GIF above, Meredith Grey once stated:

    “The ties that bind us are sometimes impossible to explain. They connect us even after it seems like the ties should be broken. Some bonds defy distance and time and logic; because some ties are simply… meant to be.”

    It’s true. Regardless of the hurt and all the unnecessary torture and pain you may go through after being cheated on, sometimes “the one” will hurt us, but you may realize that this relationship means more than either of you can comprehend and is worth saving. Whenever you reach this conclusion, make sure you are being honest with yourself, and that you’ve made the choice that is right for you. In the end, sometimes love will always win.

    Moving On From The Hurt And Deciding To Heal Alone

    Regardless of the hurt and unnecessary pain you may have felt from the cheating, and trying to move on past it, sometimes you are unable to let go, or sometimes you are able to let go. But sometimes, providing forgiveness is something that we cannot give. For whatever reason you decide, you are entitled to them. Whenever you reach this conclusion, again, make sure you are being honest with yourself, and that you have made the choice that is right for you.